“I don’t think all the writers are sad, she said. I think it’s the other way around, all sad people write.” ~ Lang Leav

Sejak kapan mulai menulis? Kenapa tiba-tiba jadi penulis? How does it feel?

“Are you sad?” Bisikan setengah teriak itu mencapai telingaku, setelah berjuang mengalahkan jerit lengking hampir seisi ruang bar yang tengah bernyanyi.

“… Kill yourself for recognition
Kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror
You’re turning into something you are not…”

“Am I?” Aku membuka kembali barisan kata-kata itu, “You are extremely private when it comes to your personal life. You use this image to keep yourself from having to truly open up, even to close friends.” Even to myself. Ketika tak mampu bahkan menjawab pertanyaan ke diri sendiri, bagaimana harus menjawabmu?

“Because you guys are the rarest, in the world.” Tidak lebih dari tiga persen populasi, kelompok orang introvert yang mengandalkan intuisi, membuat keputusan berdasarkan perasaan, dan melihat dunia dari kacamatanya sendiri. “Nope, not through my glasses, but my eagle eyes.”

That’s why, kamu teliti. Kamu imajinatif. Kamu fantastis. Hmm, maksudku, penuh fantasi….

“Tipikal njlimet, who live in a world of hidden meanings and symbols and often struggle to fit in with a world that values action over contemplation.”

Aku menghembuskan panjang asap, mengangkat gelas, meneguk nyaris setengahnya. Thom Yorke terus memainkan gitarnya, sementara hujan deras sebentar lagi akan mengguyurnya, dalam gambar putih dan hitam.

“… They’re the ones who’ll hate you
When you think you’ve got the world all sussed out
They’re the once who’ll spit at you
You’ll be the one screaming out…”

Kata demi kata terus mengalir, membaca aku. Seolah. “While you regain your energy by spending time alone in your complex internal world, you also care about people and value deep, authentic connections with others.” Gosh, aku tidak suka complexity, aku suka simplicity. “See, you’re truly complex.” Penolakan justru tidak menunjukkan kesederhanaan.

Dan karenanya aku mulai menulis? “You are a natural writer, often. Not only have the empathy to understand others, but enjoy working alone. The solitude necessary for writing is not the hardest part, it often feels like a sanctuary.”

Dan terus menulis? “Ya, as a sensitive individual, you are always absorbing information around, sights sounds smells temperature light and other people’s feelings. You are constantly processing this information and trying to make sense of it. Because you absorb so much, you need an outlet for all this energy.”

Dan akan terus menulis. “But please, don’t burn out easily.” It’s part of you.

Aku mengangkat bahu, menggigit potongan ketimun, menyisakan dua bongkah kecil es batu di gelas yang telah kosong. Sebuah anggukan cukup untuk mengisyaratkan pelayan bar menukar gelas berikutnya.

“… Oh, it’s the best thing that you ever had
The best thing you ever, ever had
It’s the best thing that you ever had
The best thing you have had is gone away…”

NH

Posted by:Nicky Hogan

Nicky menjalani hidup limapuluh tahun, gemar berlari empatpuluh tahun, merambah alam tigapuluh tahun, bekerja di pasar modal duapuluh tahun, suka menulis sepuluh tahun. Dan inilah tulisannya.

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